Ask a Demon! / by Ryan Hill

 

Ah, Wednesday. The Day of Wodin. Named for the Norse God Odin, aka this greased up peanut head:

What a tool. He doesn't even have real horns! It's a disgrace!

On a more serious note, it's undeniable that helmet screams, "I wish I was Transformer!" 

A metal eye patch? Really? Did all the other Norse Gods pick on Odin for having a glass eye, so one day he decided to glue some metal patch over the empty eye cavity? LAME.

And that staff? Somebody is overcompensating for being a lame Norse God.

How did Odin get a day named after him? I should have a day named after me. Neigh, a week! A month! A year! ALL MEASUREMENTS OF TIME SHOULD BE NAMED AFTER ME REGARDLESS OF THE CONFUSION IT WOULD CAUSE THE WORLD. Period.

On to the questions!

Josh from Buzz City asks:

I'm in love with my best friend. How do I get her to notice me as more than just her "buddy?"

If you were a girl, I'd say invite her over for a sleepover. Sleep in the same bed. "Make a move," as they say in "the biz." Although in the adult entertainment industry, the staying would be, "make a movie."

There are lots of things you can do to get a girl's attention. Run around naked, while screaming and waving your arms. Tattoo her name across your forehead, complete with little hearts and fairies in between the letters. Write her a letter professing your love, then tie it to a big rock and throw it through her car's windshield. 

Here are some other suggestions, but bear in mind the authorities - or worse, her dad - may misinterpret the gesture as criminal, so buyer beware:

  • Stand outside of her window wearing a mask and holding a knife until she notices
  • Set her house on fire
  • Drug her, take her to Vegas, then marry her. This way, she's locked in!

I asked Samantha for her two cents.

"Be honest with her. Tell her how you truly feel. If she feels the same, ask her out on a date. You could al-"

And no more comments from Sam. What horrible advice! Tell the girl how you feel. Ha!

Sam is nagging me to mention something about the movie Say Anything and a boom box? I don't know. She's been on this weird John Cusack kick lately. It's disturbing.

Ratchet 'N Dank asks:

Bart. I'm stuck. I'm not sure if I should study engineering in college like my dad wants or if I should try to become an actor, which is what I want. Any ideas on how to decide?

Easy. Do you prefer men in tights or men with pocket protectors?

Until next time...

Bartholomew signing off

Need advice from Bartholomew? Send it to ryan@ryanhillwrites.com with the subject ASK A DEMON. Bartholomew will most likely respond. He's cool like that.