Ask a Demon! / by Ryan Hill

 

Samantha, my angel-in-training cohort, asked me the other day if I thought I was actually helping people with my ASK A DEMON column. I wanted to do a spit take, but with a bit of Chateau Lafite Rothschild 2009 in my mouth, that wasn't happening. It's the worst sort of sin to waste fine wine, even for something as worthy as a spit take.

"It doesn't matter if I'm helping people," I said. "That's not the point."

"Isn't offering good advice the point of an advice column?" Sam asked.

"The point is to offer advice." I finished off my fantastic Rothschild. "It doesn't have to be good advice. It can be terrible, horrible, ruin your life advice."

It made no difference to me which kind of advice I gave.

Sam stormed off in a huff before I could say more on the matter. I also think she called me a ash foal. 

Weird.

Remember, if you need advice from me, shoot an email to ryan@ryanhillwrites.com. 

Gerome Marado from the seventh plane of Uranus asks:

When Aquarius is in the Second House and Jupiter is rising, what's the best way to kill a nosy neighbor? 

Well. Someone is on a lot of psychedelics, way too into astrology, or both. My guess is both.

Mother Teresa could be in the Second House and your temperature could be rising because of an Ecstasy overdose, it won't change how to kill a nosy neighbor. 

There's a million ways to do the deed, but do you want to get away with it?

If you don't care about prison, walk up to your neighbor and blast them in the face. With a gun. Or shotgun. Heaven, a good bow and arrow shot might do it.

If you do want to get away with it, and why wouldn't you, that's a bit... trickier. If the neighborhood is aware of your issues with the neighbor, the cops will find out and come after you. If you set your neighbor's house on fire, the fire department would probably figure out the cause was arson. So. Here's what you do. It may involve killing yourself in the process, but totally worth it.

Invite your neighbor over for a cookout. Get some food that's laced with... whatever. Something that food can get laced with and cause death and/or mental degradation. I'd Google it for you, but I'm too lazy, so do it your own blessed self.

Develop a tolerance to said whatever. 

Lace the food with it.

Pray your new neighbor isn't worse than your last one.

 

Someone in no way, shape, or form associated with PETA asks:

Animal sacrifices. Do they work?

Depends. Trying to win the love of a beautiful woman? Convince the jury your client didn't embezzle millions from Hospice residents? Make sure your favorite team will win the big game?

Because animal sacrifice will do none of that.

The only time an animal sacrifice works is if the animal is sacrificed for food or sustenance. Nothing else. Killing an animal isn't going to win you glory, ensure an acquittal, or make someone fall in love. You're just killing a defenseless animal, you monster.

Correction.

If you kill a grizzly bear with your bare hands, that's totally bad ass and will work in that - if you survive - you'll forever be known as one of the manliest men to ever consider themselves a man among men.

That is all.

Need advice from Bartholomew? Want to know what movie to see this weekend? Send your question to ryan@ryanhillwrites.com.