For some of us, the holiday season is the worst time of the year. People spreading good will and cheer, the annoying songs that are impossible to avoid, not to mention non-spiked egg nog. Who drinks that straight?
For the rest of us, the silly season is just that: silly. However, there's a dark underbelly to the holidays, one nobody dares speak of for too long, lest they fall victim to it.
I'm talking about present shopping, of course. People fight over each other to get some marked down piece of electronics that's obsolete, flip each other the finger over lost parking spots, and the stress of finding the PERFECT PRESENT for that SPECIAL SOMEONE.
Not to fear, for Bartholomew is here!
Timmy from Astoria asks:
Bartholomew, what should I get my Dad for Christmas? He likes golf and this yucky brown drink.
Great question, Timmy! I'd suggest giving your dad photos of your mom with her younger lover. Barring that, a pack of pink golf balls, since you're not old enough to get the "yucky brown drink." The measure of a man is his willingness to play golf with pink balls his son gave him as a present.
Susan from Seattle asks:
What do you get the man who has everything?
The "man who has everything" is a house of straw waiting to burn into ash. If you want your man to stay "on top of the world," get him a Swiss bank account. Or a rigged paternity test, so nobody can legally claim him as a baby daddy.
Are you insecure? Afraid you'll lose this dreamboat? Get some work done on yourself.
If you're not insecure, remind him that he's got everything and doesn't need anything else, because he's got you.
Ugh, that last answer made my stomach turn.
Jerry from Tulsa asks:
Bartholomew, I can't wait any longer. I want to divorce my wife. I know it's the holidays, but is there a way to do this without ruining the season for her?
Well Jerry, chances are she wants out of the marriage too, so there's that. You could also completely own the divorce and give her the news on X-Mas day, with a written letter. It can either be in an envelope or in a gift-wrapped luggage bag. Hopefully, she'll get the metaphor.
Need advice from Bartholomew? Want to know what movie to see this weekend? Send your question to firstname.lastname@example.org.