Can you hear it?
Angels blowing their horns?
That's because it's HALLOWEEN!
The greatest day of the year, or any year. A day when demons can shed their human facade, revealing the true form hiding underneath, and walk around in our birthday suits. Nobody would bat an eye, freak out, or wet their pants. They'd say, "cool costume bruh," or give us first prize in costume contests.
Me? I look way too sexy to drop my human appearance. I don't feel the need to show the world my demon form and not be judged. I'm secure in my exquisite looks like that.
But I digress.
Halloween has shifted a bit over the years, going from the Irish holiday of Samhain, where humans greeted us with food and alcohol in exchange for letting some of their dead relatives hang out for a few hours. Eventually, the bribes stopped, and the holiday became the one day of the year where it was okay to get mad over receiving a pack of raisins over some candy. Scratch that. It's always acceptable to get mad over getting a pack of raisins. They're disgusting. Worst use of grapes ever.
On to the Halloween questions!
Cinnamon from West Virginia asks:
Why are some costumes called slutty? Most of them seem okay to me.
The companies that make Halloween costumes are morons. Aside from selling outfits named "Slutty Nurse," their business model makes zero sense. They only sell their product one month out of the year! Is that an organization that should be passing judgment on what's considered slutty? Methinks not.
Besides, dressing up as a nurse - especially when you aren't one - is pretty much the equivalent of wearing a nurse costume. The only difference between an official outfit and the "slutty" costume version is a couple of inches.
Have a question for me? Send it to email@example.com.
Jake from Austin asks:
Is it okay to put razorblades in candy?
No. No, man. Don't mess with kids. Ever. The worst parts of Hell are reserved for people who mess with kids: right next to everyone who thought elevator music was a good idea.
Tim from Atlanta asks:
Bartholomew, is there any costume you wish more people wore on Halloween?
That's an easy one. Birthday suit.
Need advice from Bartholomew? Want to know what movie to see this weekend? Send your question to firstname.lastname@example.org.