A while ago, I visited pottermore.com to read some of the new Harry Potter items J.K. Rowling wrote for the site. To get access to those pieces, I first had to visit the Sorting Hat and get placed into one of the four Hogwarts Houses.
The Sorting Hat asks all kinds of questions to deduce where a person belongs. It's essentially a very basic personality test, Harry Potter style. I figured I'd be placed in Gryffindor, Ravenclaw at worst. God doesn't hate me enough to sort me into Slytherin. What did that wretched hat do? It put me in Hufflepuff.
The house everyone makes fun of in the books. The house that adds maybe 1.5% of value to the entire series. Hagrid could storm into Hufflepuff House one night, bite the heads off of every single one of their students, poop the undigested skull bits out the next day, and NOBODY WOULD CARE. I immediately fell into the five stages of grief.
No way I'm a Hufflepuff. I can't be. Sure, I crack a joke or two, but I myself am NOT a joke. Right? I HAVE VALUE! And their mascot is a friggin badger. That's like high end road kill. I should take the sorting quiz over again. No... that's cheating. This is bull$hit.
Dammit! Hufflepuff! *throws chair across the room* I AM BETTER THAN THIS! F*CK YOU, SORTING HAT! I HOPE THE NEXT KID YOU SORT HAS LICE AND IT GETS ALL OVER YOU!
If only I'd answered questions differently. Told the Sorting Hat I wanted glory. Lied to make sure I got into Gryffindor. Wait. Cedric Diggory was a Hufflepuff? That might work.
Except Diggory died in the only book he appeared in, then went on to become a shiny vampire.
Nope. This sucks. Hufflepuff sucks. I suck. Somebody give me a gun.
Hufflepuffs have a couple of decent qualities. They're loyal, for starters. I'm loyal. I'm a nice guy. And wait, what's this?
This is pretty cool, especially since it reminds me of this sweet Russell Wilson t-shirt. Sure, the Wisconsin fans made it during his one year there, but Wilson got his undergraduate degree at my alma mater, NC State, so it counts.
Also, Wisconsin's mascot is a badger, so maybe through some weird connection that only makes sense in my head, it's sort of destiny for me to be in Hufflepuff.
Okay. FINE. I'm a Hufflepuff. The world is still spinning, the sky is still blue, and I'm okay. You're okay. Everyone is okay! Also... BLACK AND YELLOW.