On Wednesday, USA Book News announced their 2014 USA Best Book Awards, and my debut, THE BOOK OF BART, was awarded as a finalist in the Humor category. Now that I'm an award-winning author, there's so many new things I can say to people, things that are now infinitely less douchey... though still douchey.
At a bar
"Hey. I'm an award-winning author. What do you do?"
"Oh, I won an award for humor. Because I'm funny."
At a restaurant
"I am an award-winning author and I demand to be seated!"
If I get shafted
"You can't do this to me! I'm an award-winning author!"
If I die
"Award-winning author Ryan Hill died today..."
In the office
"I deserve that last cup of coffee. Why? Because I'm an award-winning author, dammit!"
When cleaning a dirty toilet
"An award-winning author shouldn't have to subject themselves to this kind of tomfoolery."
Watching my team lose
"This is bull$hit! An award-winning author should only be watching winners!"
When buying liquor
"My good man, I do not have a drinking problem. I am an award-winning author, and this is my writing fuel!"
When asked to see a Matthew McConaughey rom-com
"How dare you ask me to see such filth! I'm an award-winning author!"
When asked to see a McConnaisance era McConauhgey film
"Uh, YEAH. An award-winning author has to support other award winners. Just gotta keep livin, baby!"
"It's okay. I'm an award-winning author."