Things I can (theoretically) say now that I'm an award-winning author / by Ryan Hill

 

On Wednesday, USA Book News announced their 2014 USA Best Book Awards, and my debut, THE BOOK OF BART, was awarded as a finalist in the Humor category. Now that I'm an award-winning author, there's so many new things I can say to people, things that are now infinitely less douchey... though still douchey.

At a bar

"Hey. I'm an award-winning author. What do you do?"

"Oh, I won an award for humor. Because I'm funny."

At a restaurant

"I am an award-winning author and I demand to be seated!"

If I get shafted

"You can't do this to me! I'm an award-winning author!"

If I die

"Award-winning author Ryan Hill died today..."

In the office

"I deserve that last cup of coffee. Why? Because I'm an award-winning author, dammit!"

When cleaning a dirty toilet

"An award-winning author shouldn't have to subject themselves to this kind of tomfoolery."

Watching my team lose

"This is bull$hit! An award-winning author should only be watching winners!"

When buying liquor

"My good man, I do not have a drinking problem. I am an award-winning author, and this is my writing fuel!"

When asked to see a Matthew McConaughey rom-com

"How dare you ask me to see such filth! I'm an award-winning author!"

When asked to see a McConnaisance era McConauhgey film

"Uh, YEAH. An award-winning author has to support other award winners. Just gotta keep livin, baby!"

When farting

"It's okay. I'm an award-winning author."