Thursday, January 27, 2011

What happened to Ivan Drago after Rocky IV?

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Ever since Ivan Drago famously turned his back on his Russian comrades and lost a decision to Rocky Balboa, we've all wondered; what's become of everyone's favorite steroid using, box haircut toting, Apollo Creed killing, Russian super boxer? Sadly, we never got a real resolution to this. Did he retire to the simple life? Did he reinvent himself as a world class ballerina? To that end, I have put together a list of theories so we can hopefully put an end to this 25-year-old mystery.

Ivan Drago lost his roids, his career, his hair, and eventually his wife
Drago, heartbroken that that "little dolbeob" Rocky beat him, is no longer allowed to box after he told his commie trainers to eat it. His only consolation is a bottle of vodka and the movie "Commando," which inspires him to carry trees on his shoulder and wrestle bears. However, once the roids wear off and his body begins to fall apart, he can no longer carry trees, wrestle bears, or even kill Colombian bad guys. A broken man, he starts taking his frustrations out on his wife by beating her and calling her names, especially since, on top of everything else, his box hair cut has fallen out and turned into a bald spot, while her's is still in "pristine"condition.

In 1994, Drago was found face down in an alley in Moscow...penniless, loveless, and boxless.

Ivan Drago turns to a life of Russian Porn as Fop Goce, or as it's pronounced in English, Fat Juice
Unable to hold down a job other than that of hired thug in the new Russia, Drago gets back on "da juice" in an effort to rejuvenate his boxing career. However, everyone still kind of hates him in Russia for telling them to eat it and everyone else hates him for killing Apollo Creed, so the only other option Drago has Some of his hits include Fun with Boxing Gloves Part 17: The Gloves Come Off, Glastnost in ya Pants, and the "biopic" Ivan's Dragon. It wasn't very big.

Ivan Drago, in a blatant attempt to gain attention, camps out near the Chernobyl nuclear plant for a week
The only thing that happens to him is his box haircut, which normally looks like this...

now looks like this, and for some reason stays this way. Forever. Even if it gets wet.

Ivan Drago stages an exhibition fight
Drago, now living in America, tires of his job as a cab driver in New York, mostly because he keeps hitting his head on the roof of the cab due to his steroid-impacted giant head. A chance encounter with Don King brings about the greatest exhibition since Rocky Balboa fought Thunderlips the Incredible: Ivan Drago, '80s boxing villain, against another '80s boxing icon; Little Mac. The fight was billed as East vs. West, or in some circles, man against man. Airing on HGTV, things quickly turn ugly when the crowd, many of whom are expats from the former Soviet Union, start chanting "USA!" "USA!" three hours before the fight in the parking lot. Things got even uglier in the ring. The fight, as with all of Little Mac's during his career, lasted only three rounds. Drago, upset from the chants of "USA" and hormonally imbalanced from taking steroids again, started crying 20 seconds into the first round. Little Mac took advantage of the lapse in judgment and beat Drago to a pulp, culminating in a knockout in the third round. Little Mac celebrated in his usual fashion:

Or, the most logical theory...

Infuriated with Drago after losing to an American, the Soviets take Drago out in the woods and shoot him dead
You can find him buried next to a tree squirrels routinely urinate on.

1 comment:

  1. He didn't lose to a decision, he was ko'd.